Yesterday I wrote about my feelings towards school and after writing it, I became aware of something on a deeper level than I have before.
The reason I enjoyed the learning & testing part of school is because I could actively prove my worth.
I could demonstrate and be rewarded for how hard I work in the form of a grade which led to praise, love and affection from my mum.
And I know for a fact that this belief of “hard work = worthiness” is still one I have because of how true it still feels in my body today.
The Ugly Side Of Hard Work
This belief is what led to me opening my eyes on the tube, looking into the concerned faces of strangers wondering why they were all staring at me, only to realise I was now lying on the floor of the carriage having just blacked out on the way to work.
It’s what led to my mum trying to force-feed me extra roast potatoes every time I went to visit because I looked “skeletal” (her word, not mine). It turns out my anxiety manifests as appetite suppression and after months with no let-up, my weight had dropped to 7 stone, my body struggling to sustain my unrelenting addiction to work.
It’s that period of my life is also what led to me starting my own business, and now manifests as a physical response of fear when things start to feel too busy or too demanding on my system. I’m terrified of returning to that place again.
But now I’m stuck with two conflicting beliefs.
“Hard work is how you prove your worth”
…and also…
“Hard work will make you sick”
My body craves slowness and empty calendars so that it can stay safe and nourished.
My mind craves hard work so that it can experience a sense of worthiness and fulfilment.
And if I look at the last few years of my business, I can see the periods of time where one won out over the other.
The £16K months and full calendar that made me feel accomplished, whilst also physically sick.
The bouts of “burning it all to the ground” that felt like a relief at the time, followed by relentless inner criticism about being a failure.
It’s been exhausting.
My desire for things to be hard has also played out in my offers.
I can see how I’ve always added complexity to my own message under the pretence of following my integrity, and yet often made things much harder for me to sell.
(The brain loves simplicity. Complexity in offer messaging is a big turn-off for it and a usually a one-way ticket to low-sales land.)
And even as I feel the rumblings of a new *something* developing, I can hear my mind scoffing that it’s too easy to sell and that (somehow) is a problem.
Because if I make it look too easy, then I’m being unfair to other people by making it look easy….when it isn’t? Or is it?
I suspect now that the real belief my subconscious has been harbouring is this:
If you make it look too easy, people won’t think that you’re special or worthy of admiration. You won’t receive praise or love for it if it’s easy.
Eesh. It’s the first time I’ve really dug deep enough to become aware of this inner turmoil.
And now that I’m aware of it, it means I can change it, right?
I don’t have a neat bow to put on this, because I am very much *in* the experience right now, and I guess you’ll have to stick with me to see what becomes of this awareness, but as with everything, I also want to open this up as an invitation to you.
A question to maybe sit with and ponder…
If any of what I’ve said resonates, then I invite you to finish this sentence honestly:
- If I make it look too easy then _____________
Sending you the courage to love yourself no matter how you finish that sentence,
