Today. The Voice In My Head is winning. And for the purpose of the rest of this story, let's call her Sandra, shall we?
(I don't know why I've gone with the name Sandra. I only know one Sandra and she's lovely... but there we go. Messy action and all, I'm running with it.)
It's 3:22pm and I've been putting off sitting down to write this article since I first woke up this morning. Tired, bleary-eyed and on day 29 of my cycle.
And as I've been listening to my internal narrative all day a.k.a Sandra, you know what I've realised?
Sandra is a psychopath.
At first, she gently whispers to me. She soothes me.
- You're not feeling creative today Becky, you don't need to force it, do you?
- OK but seriously, no one will tell you off if you don't post today. It's ok.
- You're only doing this for yourself, aren't you? For a bit of fun?
- The pressure you're putting on yourself is all self-generated, so just breatheee. Relaxxxx. Don't feel bad if you spend hours scrolling...
"Maybe you're right Sandra, maybe you're right. Maybe I'll skip today. I didn't post yesterday anyway as I was out 'life-ing'. No big deal if I don't post, I make the rules here."
And you know what Sandra responds with?
- Really Becky? REALLY?! You've literally just started this thing, and you're already quitting it?!
- Oh, you've had a taste and now you're bored are you? So predictable. So disappointing.
- You're such a quitter, you never stick with things. We'll add this to the list of things you quit along with: learning to play the guitar, the flute and piano; doing gymnastics; synchronised swimming; oh and how about that film career?! After 8 years... you get to the top, and then what... just quit?!
Jeez Sandra - low blow! OK, I'll do the post then!
- Whatever, do you think people even care about what you're writing anyway?
- Do you think you're special? Do you WANT to be special?
- Are you trying to be famous or something? Ew. How vulgar.
And on... and on... and on.... it goes.
This battle between doing the thing and not doing the thing is endless.
And it's bloody exhausting.
Now, I do know Sandra is just trying to keep me safe.
I've indulged in enough self-development work to *logically* know that the voice in my head will say anything to get me to remain stationary, in place and unchanging because that's the only way it thinks I can avoid immediate and shameful death.
And on the good days, I can laugh at Sandra.
On the days when I'm well-rested and my hair freshly washed, she's still there yes, but entirely ignorable.
But on days like today, where I'm relying on dry shampoo and breaking my rules of not drinking caffeinated tea after 12pm to stay awake, Sandra got me on the ropes!
But I have a trick up my sleeve.
You see, I know how to silence that little scoundrel in my head. I know her weakness.
Can you guess what it is?
.
.
.
.
.
It's to expose her.
To get her vicious words down on paper, whether virtual or physical.
(For the Harry Potter nerd, it's the real-life version of casting Riddikulus)
You see, the thing Sandra relies on is that I never tell anyone what she says.
It's what allows her to endure because in the darkness of my own mind her words carry weight.
She can summon images, create stories and gesture vaguely towards historical evidence to prove her validity and cause a cascade of emotions that are very, very real.
But on the page?
What she has to say is so resoundingly boring. So utterly generic and honestly, a little self-indulgent.
Her words are not worth the computer power needed to generate the pixels on this screen.
But they're here anyway, as evidence that you can still get out there and do the thing... even if there's a Psychopath living in your head.
I dedicate this post to not only The Voice In My Head, but to the Voice In Your Head too.
Because that voice loves you. Even when it's being a nasty little mo' fo.
And if you can't get a handle on it? I invite you to notice it and document it.
Literally, write down word for word all the stupid things your version of Sandra is saying to you.
See how boring she is? How melodramatic?
Thank her, for the brief entertainment. Tell her you love her.
And then go do the thing anyway.
⬆️ Hey look Sandra! We did it! Wait... don't you try take credit for this. What do you mean I needed you?! Hold on a second...
